ADVICE: AUNTIE AGNI

Hi Auntie!
I am a 29-year-old single female and I recently completed my masters’ degree and I want to pursue a PhD next. However, it is very hard for an ambitious woman to pursue her goals in this society. All my friends are married, and I am the only one who still feels that I am not ready or can never be ready. Society, however, has made it look like it has a lot to do with age, which I have never believed.
Now that I am nearing my thirties, everyone around me makes me feel like I am the one with a problem, and I am the one who is making my parents worried. This is despite my parents not being conservative at all and having always supported my decisions. Every time someone tries to talk to me about marriage, instead of telling them how I feel, I go on a rant and get angry.
I thought my sister would understand this, but she says that my parents don’t talk to me about marriage because they are scared of my reaction. I can’t really talk to my friends, as they are all married and believe it’s the most important thing in the world. For me to be happily married, I must be satisfied as an individual. I want my family to understand this, before they even talk to me about getting married. But, at this point, I don’t want to make a decision that I might regret.
I have no idea what I should do to make them feel less worried. I still feel that I shouldn’t do it just because everyone else thinks I should.
Feeling Helpless!
Dear Feeling Helpless,
First, take a deep breath. What you are feeling is valid, and you are not alone in these experiences. Society places immense pressure on women to follow a certain timeline when it comes to marriage and, unfortunately, anyone who strays from that timeline is often met with judgement and criticism. However, your ambitions and desire to achieve personal growth before entering into marriage is a fair desire.
You’re absolutely right that marriage should happen when you feel ready, not when society dictates it. The idea that marriage has to happen by a certain age is societal pressure that doesn’t account for the different life trajectories.
Your frustration stems from the fact that you are constantly made to feel like you are “wrong” for not prioritising marriage. It’s understandable that you end up ranting, getting angry or even crying during these conversations, because it feels like your voice is not being heard. Whatever choice you make, please do it with your eyes open.
When the subject of marriage comes up, try approaching the conversation with calmness. Let your family know that, while you understand their concerns, you need time to achieve personal goals before considering marriage. Help them see that your education and career goals are part of who you are and that delaying or dismissing those ambitions would make you feel incomplete. 
Often, our loved ones’ concerns come from a place of love and fear for our well-being. Acknowledge their fears. Show them that you understand where they are coming from, but gently remind them that your timeline and their timeline may not align.
Marriage is a major life decision and it’s absolutely right to wait until you feel mentally and emotionally prepared. Focus on your personal growth, your goals and your happiness. When you feel fulfilled as an individual, you’ll be in a much better position to make life choices.g
Disclaimer: If you or someone you know is in crisis and/or feeling suicidal, please go to your nearest emergency room and seek medical help immediately.
Auntie will not reply privately to any query. Please send concise queries to: [email protected]
Published in Dawn, EOS, October 6th, 2024